Some pics

Running with my daughter for the first time. What a feeling.

Whew....been a while.

Well....a lot has happened. My daughter turned 3 (April 2nd), I ran on the beach with her for the very first time, had another bronc (rejection free), put off the wedding until next year....mainly because I'm dealing with lots of depression and anxiety. I've been on several different drugs ranging from Paxil (made my neck muscles tighten and I looked really awful with my head cocked to the side), Zoloft (bumped up two different times and then had an incredibly low time and switched), Wellbutrin....worked BUT insurance wouldn't pay for it!! So I'm now on a different version of Wellbutrin. Seems to be ok. I still struggle daily. Getting my little every Wed, Thur, and Fri night now. Me and her daddy are splitting our time and it seems to be going extremely well. Tomorrow...breakfast with the rents and Mira, Les' wedding at 4p, then I'm going to try to make Lisa's bday celebration. 21!! Shout out Lis <3 A great family friend (actually she IS family) had surgery today and I just want to lift her up in prayer. So now I'm working on finding a job, as a seem to go crazy when I don't have anything to do. I'll be adding some pics of the beach and you can see my killa scars!

Decided to update again. I spent the night at home last night and was able to make it through a movie with Ron. We watched A Team. Great movie btw. I almost couldn't make it through. Ron convinced me though, lol. He's so incredible. My face is different now bc of the meds so that's just another thing added to the list of why I'm down. I don't look like myself. My face is all swollen. I call it the prednisone puff. Hopefully they'll back down on it soon and I'll go back to normal by the wedding. Still so much to do for that too. Went to Best Buy to return stuff today and to target to pick up cold meds. Turns out, I'm sick also. So just remember me in your prayers. I'm struggling but fighting to make it out. I feel like I'm clawing my way out of the ground. I'll make it. My babygirl needs me!

Depression.

So, recently I've been hit very hard with depression. The docs say it's probably all the meds I'm on mixed with this HUGE life change I'm going through. I don't have much to write except that I need your prayers. This is the most miserable feeling ever. I'll probably write more later. Missing Ron a ton bc I'm temporarily with my mom seeing as how she's home more often than Ron. It's still tough. Don't want to get out of bed or do anything. Maybe I should try reading. Please pray for me. PLEASE. Love to all, Ape.

Surprise! and other news

I made it through my very first bronch...piece of cake like everyone said. My mom recorded me afterward just so I could see how messed up I was. I remember being extremely nervous and shaky. They took me back to the room, took my vital signs, and the last thing I remember is the nurse telling me she was going to give me some meds to help me relax. I looked down at my picc and saw "Versed" on the label. I thought to myself "Oh, that should work" and it definitely did. Can't recall a thing and was most certainly relaxed. It took a while for the sleepiness to wear off. After the bronch, I went to lunch with my dad, brother, and stepmom at Olive Garden. It was yummmmyyyy!! Even though my terrible nausea had started right after they pulled my g tube two days before, I still was able to enjoy a little of the meal. Not long after I became pretty miserable. The nausea seemed to only hit right after I consumed things. I kept eating though because Lord knows I need to gain and keep the weight. Then the nausea became constant. So through Christmas I was sick. The entire time. To make matters worse, Mira was with me and had some sort of 24 hour virus. So Christmas Eve, SHE was throwing up constantly. My poor mom was up and down with her all day. I managed to get a little shopping in with a friend. We battled the crowds and finished up last minute stuff. All the gifts I got were amazing. I bought a netbook with the money my dad gave me for my bday and Christmas. I got NC State stuff from the F and also Eclipse (YAY!!), a purse, State jacket, and pots and pans from mom, giftcards from lots of people....the list goes on. Although it's not about the gifts. Being able to be home with family and friends was the best gift of all and celebrating my bday with new lungs was incredible. I blew out all the candles in one breath! Just amazing. My bday was supposed to be pretty low key since I'd had a bronch and we didn't know what I'd feel like later. My mom decided to meet us out at my favorite restaurant. I waited for Ron and Kathryn to get home so we could ride out there. I walk in and BAM!! "SURPRISE!!" Everyone is standing in the back room ready to celebrate with me. Apparently, my cousin was the mastermind and she was incredible. I mean, she knew I wanted to have everyone with me. Thanks to her, I did. Best cousin ever. I had no clue. Seriously. I even had someone there from rehab! Alex and her mom were able to make it out. So thankful to have met them. They are awesome. I just can't believe everyone kept the secret, lol. After all the bday festivities and Christmas with all the fam, my mom decided since I was so very miserable we should go to the ER. Since throwing up is super bad with my lungs due to the risk of aspiration, we wanted to get it under control. So I was admitted. On Christmas. It could have been worse. I could have been on o2. I've been thinking a lot lately about my donor. I've started to think of this person as someone who shares my body. It's not just me anymore. Like Stephanie Meyer's Host. This person is with me and experiencing everything through me. He/she will never die but live on through me living. Helps me deal. What a marvelous gift I've been given. There's no way I can ever give back but I can live. That's all I can do. And I will. Donor, I will live for you and for me. For now, I'm still in house. I should be leaving tomorrow if all is well in the tummy department. Fingers crossed and prayers sent! Love to all. Happy Holidays!

Latest Happenings

Hello all! Welp, my suture holding in my j tube fell completely out of my tummy the other morning. I was ok with that! I wasn't doing tube feedings anymore and the tube was just annoying me as well. I promise, this was totally unintentional. So my mom called and told my coordinator and she scheduled me to get my g tube out. I am currently tube free! Well except for my picc line. Hopefully that comes out soon as well. I'm happy for the moment. Danielle (the bestie) and RonReg (the F) also accompanied me and my mom for the tube removal. Danielle actually went back with me. It made a "pop!" noise when they took it out. Lol. Today I had clinic and that went superb. Dr.Zaas said I looked great and the xrays looked good. No results on the blood work yet. We'll hear soon though. Tomorrow is my bronch. I've spoken to two people about it and they said it super easy compared to everything else we've gone through. I'd like to have you all say a prayer for someone. Her name is Leah and there's a good chance she could or is being transplanted as I write. I heard earlier. Please keep her in your prayers. She needs this.

On another note...I can't wait to go on a cruise with my best next year! It will have to be after the wedding, but a good time indeed. I'm hopefully seeing Traci tomorrow. Man I miss her. That's about all for now. Love to all!

Update from clinic and SNOW DAY!

So my very first clinic visit went a little off course. Turned out, I had a huge pneumothorax (sp) and didn't even get to see my doc. I had all the tests(xrays, blood, pfts) and was in the cafeteria waiting for my appt time when the coordinator called. She informed us we needed to get to the main hospital because I had a big air pocket which caused my lung to partially collapse. Bear in mind, I only had minor pain in my left lung. I figured it was just related to the surgery. It required a small chest tube which wasn't too painful when they put it in, however, extremely painful once it was there and the meds wore off. So I was in the hospital for a couple days and on my favorite floor (7800). Felt like home, lol! I had my 2nd clinic visit yesterday and it went extremely well. I've picked up so much weight already. Almost 5 pounds and without using nocturnal feeds. Dr. Zaas said in a few weeks if my weight is still steadily going up, I can get the tubes removed! Oh that's so exciting. These tubes can be painful. While I was there, they took out my 53 staples (imagine if I was normal human size how many that would be!) and my sutures. So that felt better. He also took my off my iv antibiotic (yay!), a pill, and a neb. Still have the picc line until after my bronch though which happens to be my 26th bday. I'll take it. Better than being on o2 and not being able to breathe. I'm def expecting it to come back showing acute rejection because that's normal. Very treatable. I'll be sure to update as soon as I know anything. It will be a while from Dec 23rd though. I most certainly miss driving and my music and my friends. So many of whom have been supportive and there for me though. I love you all. All the prayers and such have truly done so much for me and the Lord has shown how amazing He truly is. I can't wait to finish up my Christmas shopping. Ya'll gon' have a lovely Christmas! Been getting visits from Amy, Traci, Danielle, Kathryn (soon), Katy and Mira and Sat. Busy busy! The first time I saw my little bunny (my daughter) I cried. She ran to me and just laid her head on my lap. She spent the night and I was in Heaven. She's my Heaven I swear. So people have been asking what I want for Christmas to which I answer sort of like this "what more could I ask for?". My 2 bests, Traci and Danielle, have decided getting inked and pierced is a great gift and I must agree. So we may make a day of it. Get the date of my transplant tatted on my neck then get my nose pierced. Pain? So what! Last night it snowed and now it's raining which is actually freezing rain so rehab is off for the day. Later on I'm pretty sure we'll venture out for some shopping and wrap some Christmas gifts. I'm excited! That's all for now. Love to all.